I’m totally patting myself (and Dunkin Donuts) on the back for being a pro at late nighters.
Tomorrow, though, I have to get up wickedly early for an officer’s coffee. Oh, yikes.

So many things that could have gone wrong didn’t.
So many people who could have been hurt weren’t.
I guess I should be thankful for what didn’t happen,
and we’ll leave it at that.

You’ll hold me forever;
won’t you? won’t you?
The sun will set,
the weeds will grow.
Time will go on and we’ll be stuck;
holding hands and watching the world turn.
As if nothing ever mattered when everything did.
Everything fell apart and I held onto you.
My world shattered and you were still true.
How could it be? I never deserved it-
but I did. As one tree dies, another will grow.
I’ve gotten so many second chances its ridiculous.
I’m glad my third chance was the right one.
His purple shirt only screamed Africa.
I can remember a time when I wouldn’t have said no.
You’ll never understand this, but I’ve already told you.

I’m only calm about college when I think about Gordon. I’ve never been there, but something tells me it’s sort of like Eden.

For those of you who care, here’s my application list.
Reach: Boston College and Hamilton College.
Likely: Colorado State U, Colorado U, University of Vermont, and Boston University
Safety: Gordon College and Cedarville University.

I don’t know how it ended up being this way. I’ve only seen three of those campuses, etc. Whatever! This is how it will work.


The Art of Spreading Yourself Too Thin.

It’s too commonly practiced. When you do too many things, it’s impossible to do them all well. How can I pour my passion equally into everything I do? That’s easy: by asking God to refill my cup.
Every time I am re-filled with God’s presence and abounding love, I’m readier able to pour that love out in everything I do and onto everyone I meet. It’s so important for me to get back into the swing of things- going to church, reading my bible, praying and being in good Christian company. Until I get back on the God Track, I can’t possibly get back on the Ashlie Track.
I’m having the never ending problem of over committing. It’s so hard not to, when I love everything I do. I don’t want to stop doing, or cut back on anything. To list a few: Hippies for Hope, Best Buddies, Fair Trade Towns, Mango Tree, Swing Dance, Music…. Oh MAN. Not to mention my boyfriend, my family, and my friends. Oh, yeah, and 4 AP Classes.

Hmmm…

9 Nice Things.

  1. I woke up late today, and got tea and breakfast on the way to school. Cliff made me some special mint something that made my sinuses clear up. :)
  2. Tonight at dinner, I got some great ideas for college essays from my sisters, Tiff and Stace.
  3. Best Buddies paperwork is almost done, and it’s time for the fun to really begin! I hung out with Tori today and we talked about specifics for her engagement! She invited Mike and I on a double date with her and Jon. She also wanted to know “Why hasn’t Mike proposed to you?!”
  4. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I simply cannot do all things. The master art of delegation has revealed itself to me.
  5. This week is Homecoming, and although it’s going to snow, it’s going to be a LOT of fun!
  6. Being sick reminds me to drink tea, something I rarely do unless my throat screams at me, but something I thoroughly enjoy. :)
  7. My room is the artificial sort of clean that I make it when it’s 3 AM and I can’t sleep because of the mess on the floor.
  8. The term “steeping” was added to my vocabulary this week, on my own terms. With that in mind, my tea is ready.
  9. Michael is a rather wonderful sort of boy. I hope to keep him.

I've been running

non stop for days now. My body is telling me to slow down, and my rhinoviruses are going crazy. It’s good to be busy, but also good to slow down. My hips hurt badly from dancing a lot these past few weeks, and ATD (All Terrain Dancing) today! For this, I’ll be in a hot tub quite soon and then at a bonfire (in October?!?!) tonight. I’m going to take tomorrow to SLOW DOWN and REST. This week is Homecoming, so I know it will be busy but I think it will be so much fun. I also feel like I did really well on the SAT’s and I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that I’m a senior. Getting Cap&Gown Order forms really freaked me out at first, but now I’m psyched. :)

I Okay

In loving memory of Tommy Unser

I had never met anyone who had the ability to sweep me off my feet. At 16 years old, I had decided that true love was in fact a lie, and that knights in shining armor did not exist- save for the fairy tales I read my nieces; but Tommy proved me wrong. A human hugging machine, Tom quite literally swept me off my feet within just the first hour of meeting him. His handshake-hug was not only that of respect while he made firm eye contact, but of love and an incomparable truth, as he pulled my hand to his heart- as if to tell me that he was in fact a real person, a loving soul. I knew this, of course, but for so many who didn’t already- Tommy’s handshake was an adorably alarming and incredibly powerful mechanism.

Handshakes and hugs were only just the beginning. In the short month that I knew Tommy, his words effectively changed the course of my entire life. You see, it didn’t really matter that my knight in shining armor was really a big teddy bear of seventeen years old, armed with Goldfish crackers instead of a shield and fighting, instead of for his kingdom, for his life. Tommy was blessed with Down syndrome, and fought each day to embrace (and force others to embrace) his own differences. I remember Tommy fondly for his abilities rather than his disabilities. He was a sweet talker who had a definite way with words. Tom could tell me anything, and I’d believe he was delving into the bottom of his heart; even if he was in fact reading the back of the Goldfish bag. His pick up line was simply: “You call me!” and effortlessly worked on each and every girl he met- including myself, and the cashier at his favorite bowling alley. I can specifically remember this particular phrase getting Tommy into trouble with my boyfriend, while Tom would often physically move him out of the way to offer me this last line, followed by a huge bear hug. Then, there was Tom’s famous line. Two words, grammatically inane, and all the more adorable, that captured each of Tom’s acquaintances. Tommy’s signature phrase: “I okay”, symbolically commanded us to accept his differences, and assure us that he, too, was comfortable with them. Furthermore, Tommy’s assertion serves as a life mantra: of self-acceptance and bold brevity, as he proudly embraces his own disability. “I okay,” is simply put, powerfully packed, and an ingenious expression of faith. Faith in yourself is something you have to almost physically search for- but Tommy wore it on his sleeve. Immediately confident with himself, Tom was able to remedy any false first impressions that you may have received. If not for Tommy, those of us who once looked at people with intellectual disabilities as disabled may never have believed in their true abilities and gifts. These people possess the power to change, by continually adapting themselves to ever-changing environments, the power to overcome, by proving to us time and again that they will prevail situations that arise, and exhibit self-confidence otherwise unbeknownst to the general public.

It’s people like Tommy who open your eyes. Tom not only gained my adoration and respect, but my curiousity and envy; as I’ve still not quite figured out how to convincingly tell the world that I, am in fact Okay.

Why do words have such an immense impact on our lives? Why can certain phrases or words send us over the edge, into a fit of fury or a distraught confusion?
Words like Cerebral Palsy, love, retard, hiccup, alcohol, amistad, hippie and hope all have incredibly packed punches for me.

In my life, I could define these words in terms of my experiences, my thoughts, hopes, fears, dreams, and humans. I won’t do them tonight, I’m just sort of looking for general responses to words or your connections to my words.

I guess what I really meant was that you never let me work on my own time. Always had to be yours, yours, yours. I was never ready when you were, and I’m sorry for that- because my tardiness may have changed our lives.

I’m so glad He’s got you. You have no idea how much He loves, and will continue to love you, forever. No human being is capable of that. Only God.

Goodnight. Thank you, Aaron and Janae for the dancing and the cucumber snacks; thank you Clothesline on Broadway for the homecoming dress; thank you Kristy Ann for still being there; thank you Kelly for fighting so hard. RIP.<3 Today I remembered your meaning.

Oh, believe me. Your love lynched me a long time ago.
Now, here I am, hanging by a rope and struggling to regain breath.

You never gave me time to explain, only time enough to tell you what you wanted to hear- or what you didn’t want to hear.
My side of things is different, but you’ll never know that now. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help.

Signed, sincerely yours,

Dead.

The Longman Reader has made me want to write. A lot.
Tiff and Stacy are here for the week. That’s a good thing. Yes, it’s a good thing.
Today, in English, I thought I might flip.
This all connects, I swear.

Up until today, I had never wanted to achieve perfection. I still don’t, to some degree, but I’ve finally recognized that part of me that longs to be something more.
Thank you, for acknowledging that, and loving me in spit of it.

“You’re perfect for me; don’t ever tell me that you aren’t.”

You, my friend, are perfect. You are everything I have ever wanted to become: devoted, ridiculously funny, sincere, gorgeous, honest, and hard working. You are my perfection. Don’t ever tell me that you aren’t.

Also, God wrapped a $50 bill inside of a $1, which made for a very profitable day at Eagle Mills. I’m praying that tomorrow is just as much fun, and even with the rain, yields just as many smiles.

“Beyond the shadow of a doubt,” he said “lies uncertainty covered in darkness. No shadows appear here, because everything is clearly black.”